


The Worst, and then the Best, Way of Coming Out

by DoctorLazarus



Category: Captain Underpants Series - Dav Pilkey, The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants (Cartoon)
Genre: Coming Out, Dialogue Heavy, Enemies to Friends, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 02:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20400241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorLazarus/pseuds/DoctorLazarus
Summary: Melvin discovers Harold's sexuality which leads to greater understanding between them.





	1. Chapter 1

“Finally, I’m so glad school’s over. Could Ms. Ribble get any more boring?”

“I know, right? History is bad enough, but her droning voice makes it ten times worse.”

“At least it’s the final year. Here’s hoping middle school would be better.”

“Somehow, I doubt it.”

School had just ended at Jerome Horwitz Elementary and George and Harold were heading over to their lockers to grab their stuff before hightailing it out of there, not wanting to spend any more time in the building than they had to.

“Hey, you want to go over to the ice cream parlour before heading to the treehouse? I’ve got a buy-one-get-one free coupon.” asked George.

“Thanks mate, but I don’t want to mooch off of you. I’ll just pay with my own money.”

“Mate? You hitting on me or you just turned British all of a sudden?”

“Twat.” Harold punched George on the arm.

“Ah, so the worse one.”

“So you’d rather have a gay friend than a British friend?”

“Of course! We didn’t fight a whole war against the Brits for nothing.” George gave a chuckle. “I kid. I don’t actually mind either way.”

George and Harold tended not to have secrets. Being best of friends who had known each other for so long, they were close enough that not only did they not have any secrets they would mind the other knowing, but it usually turned out near impossible to hide anything from each other. Things got found out eventually.

All except one.

Harold had skipped the five stages of grief, so to speak, and accepted his sexuality pretty much from the time the thought crossed his mind, but he’d never told anyone, not even George. It wasn’t that he thought George was homophobic or that he’d hold it against him, but he was always a bit (okay, a lot) worried that it was going to end their friendship as George might think it awkward that his best friend liked him in a way that he could never return. Harold wasn’t actually interested in George, seeing him as only a friend, but still – it wasn’t like you saw many boys and girls be platonic friends either. For a second though, Harold considered telling George, a sudden urge to just tell him and get it over with. After all, George had all but said he didn’t care.

_But what if he’s really just joking? What if he changes his mind when he finds out he actually has to deal with his best friend coming out, and it’s not hypothetical?_

Harold kept his mouth shut and continued what he was doing, which was opening his locker. Once he’d spun the combination, however, he found it was empty. “Oh, shoot. I forgot I had my bag with me before. I must have left it behind. Be right back George.”

“Kay. Don’t leave me hanging.”

Harold turned and headed back to Ms. Ribble’s classroom. Opening the door, Harold managed to spot his backpack. The bad news was that the backpack was in the hands of Melvin Sneedly. Frowning, the blond kid quickly crossed the classroom floor and snatched the satchel out of the genius kid’s hands.

“Hadn’t anyone told you it’s rude to go through other people’s stuff, Melvin?”

“Hadn’t anyone told you to keep a better eye on your stuff, Harold?” Melvin echoed back mockingly. “Really, you should count yourself lucky that it’s me and not anyone else who found it, lest your stuff gets stolen.”

“We’re in school! Nobody would steal my stuff. You’re actually the worst person possible to have found my bag.”

“Please, just because I’m smarter than you so you feel insecure doesn’t make me insufferable. Instead of blaming external factors you should learn to be smarter, such as not carry incriminating objects around.” Melvin reached behind him and held out a book, a snarky smile on his face.

Oh no. Oh, _no_.

A week or two ago, Harold had gone to the bookstore to purchase a self-help novel, Life of Guy: What To Do If You’re Gay. Groan-worthy title aside, it was a really useful book. He’d skipped the parts about acceptance, but the second half of the tome contained a bunch of useful information about day-to-day life issues, such as how to break the news to your friends. Harold was still working on that part, but now it looked like he didn’t have to.

“Give that back, Melvin!” Harold reached for the book, but Melvin stopped him with his free hand.

“Not so fast, Harold. I want answers.”

“Melvin, I might not be that strong, but I am stronger than you and I will punch your face so hard you’d need new glasses after picking pieces of your old one out of your eyeballs.”

“Woah.” Melvin held the book in front him as a protective shield. “That’s, er, quite the uncharacteristic burst of emotion from you there, Harold.”

Harold didn’t respond, although he did take the book back and turn around to leave. He’d taken about five steps before noticing Melvin had speed-walked to stand between him and the door, blocking his exit.

“Harold, are you…OK?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Piss off.” Harold took a deep breath to calm himself down.

“You’re clearly not fine. That’s the first time I’ve heard you swear.” Melvin grabbed a chair and sat down. “You need someone to talk about this.”

“You’re the last one I would want to talk about this.” Harold turned his head, wondering if he could open a window to leave.

“I’m also the only one who currently knows. So you might as well make use of that happy accident-“

“Unhappy accident.”

“I meant, you might as well roll with it,” Melvin rolled his eyes, “And also make use of the fact that I happen to know a good bit about psychology.”

Harold crossed his arms, silent, although his thoughts were clear to Melvin with the death glare he was giving him. Melvin was unfazed, however, and simply crossed his arms in response. The two of them stared at each other until Harold gave an exasperated sigh.

“Fine. If it’ll make your inflated sense of self-worth feel better we can ‘talk’ about this.” Harold followed in Melvin’s footsteps and also grabbed a chair to sit down in.

“For the record Harold, I’m not doing this to make myself feel important; I am actually concerned for you here. I don’t like you, but internalized homophobia is pretty detrimental to one’s mental health and-“

“I’m not in denial, alright?” Harold snapped. “I came to terms with it ages ago.”

“Oh.” Melvin seemed genuinely taken off guard for once. “Well, so much for me planning to do a whole speech about it then. If that’s the case, why-“

“The book had plenty of other info I was interested in. Such as how to come out of the closet, which I wasn’t intending to do, but now it looks like I don’t have to worry about that since you’re going to be holding that closet door wide open.”

“Harold, if you’re insinuating that I would blab about this to anyone-“

“I’m not ‘insinuating’, I’m ‘stating’. You’re the biggest tattle-tale in this school, so I can only imagine it’ll take at most a week for everyone to know.” Harold took another deep breath.

“Harold, seriously. Calm down.” Melvin crossed his fingers. “I swear I won’t tell about this to anyone.”

“Mmm hmm.” Harold raised an eyebrow sarcastically.

“Honestly, I won’t. Look Harold, believe it or not, I know where you’re coming from.”

“You do?” Now it was Harold’s turn to be taken off guard. “Hold on, you-“

“Of course not,” Melvin responded quickly, “But remember that Ted Turdsley incident? You and George kept that a secret for me even though you didn’t have to. And I remember all too well that sinking feeling when you think the whole school’s going to judge you.”

“Huh. I’d honestly forgotten about that.” Harold gave a laugh. “That was quite an adventure, huh, all things considered?”

“No it wasn’t, it was terrible!”

Harold was about to give a witty response when he heard George calling his names. “Shit. I’d forgotten I told George to wait for me.” Harold stood up and stuffed the help book into his bag – this time making sure it was buried deep beneath everything else – while Melvin moved the chairs so they weren’t blocking the door. “Hey, Melvin?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you mind if we did this again? It’s…kind of nice to finally have someone to talk to about this.”

Melvin was silent for a moment and Harold was worried he’d say no, but eventually Melvin responded, “Feel free to. My door’s always open.”

Harold left before Melvin could see the goofy happy smile on his face.


	2. Chapter 2

“Captain Underpants! Get your new Captain Underpants here!”

“This time we’d really outdone ourselves, so don’t miss this latest edition!”

It had been a week since the incident with Melvin and the book. Despite his reassurances Harold was still concerned that Melvin being Melvin would accidentally or deliberately go and blurt out the whole fiasco, but so far it seemed like he’d kept his word. Nobody looked at him funny or judgingly, though Harold wasn’t quite sure if people really were unaware or they were just nice enough to not say anything.

(They might also care as much as if Harold simply gotten a haircut, but that thought hadn’t crossed Harold’s mind.)

_Still, though,_ Harold thought, _it’s a surprising weight lifted off my shoulders even if only one person knows. In fact, I actually feel a bit more relieved than if only George knows, since I can talk to Melvin and it won’t make our relationship awkward._

Speaking of Melvin, Harold noticed the kid genius sitting one of the benches. Alone, as usual. For a second Harold felt a twinge of pity.

“George, there’s Melvin. We should offer a copy to him.”

“Melvin?! Why? He’d just throw the comic into the nearest garbage disposal.”

“But he might not. Come on.” Harold dragged George over to where Melvin was sitting. “Hey Melvin, want to read our latest comic?”

“And if you don’t want to, can you give us the comic back? The printer takes ages.”

“George!” Harold chided, “Don’t be rude.”

“It’s not really being rude, it’s kind of like a harsh truth-“

“Actually,” cut off Melvin, “I would like a copy, thank you.”

Speechless, George handed a comic over, which Melvin started flipping through. “So what changed your mind?”

“Haven’t you noticed that every time you draw a comic it inadvertently comes true and causes us great deals of peril? I’ve decided I’m going to prepare for once.”

George blew a dismissive raspberry. “Why was I expecting you to actually want to read our stuff? Ugh. Come on Harold, let’s go – we need to print a few more copies anyway.”

“Actually, I’d like to stay outside if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, pal. If I could I don’t want to spend any extra time inside Jerome Horwitz, anyway. Have you realised that Horwitz is a combination of the words _horrible _and _Auschwitz_?”

“You deflated balloon, it’s named after the scientist Jerome Horwitz!” Melvin replied.*

“Not listening! Blah blah blah, goodbye!” George absconded, leaving Harold alone with Melvin, the former of which decided to go sit next to the latter.

“I still don’t get what’s so funny about your Captain Underpants comics.”

“What? It’s hilarious! You just don’t understand art.” Harold pointed to one of the panels. “See here, Captain Underpants wants to get fabric softener to defeat the boxer shorts monster, but the store doesn’t sell fabric softener! It’s irony.”

“That’s not ironic, that’s just unfortunate. Also, I really hope for once this comic won’t come true, because I do _not _want to be facing a giant pile of crusty boxer shorts. But just in case, note to self: get fabric softener. And bubble bath.” Melvin spoke into his phone.

“They are not crusty boxer shorts, Melvin! They are just regular boxer shorts.”

“That doesn’t make it that much better. Also, what do you have against boxer shorts?”

“Underpants are way better than shorts. I tried to wear a pair once and it just felt like I was going commando.”

“No, shorts are better, so it doesn’t feel like someone’s got an iron grip around your privates.”

“…Did we just basically tell each other what we’re wearing beneath our pants?”

“I, uh…” Upon realising that fact, Melvin turned a bit red. “Great. I _told_ you your comic was dumb. Also, are you seriously staring right now?”

Despite himself, now that he had the idea planted into his brain Harold’s eyes started wandering. “Shit! I am so sorry, it just kind of happened.”

“I already told you I’m not-“

“And I don’t like you.” _In that way._ Harold left the second part of that sentence unsaid.

With the awkward tension the two were quiet for a moment before Melvin piqued up. “Harold, hope you don’t mind me asking but do you not like me because you don’t think I’m good looking or what?”

“You?” Harold sized Melvin up and down and thought for a moment. “No, I think appearance-wise you’re fine. I’m just not interested because you’re kind of a dick.”

“So, if I wasn’t a dick would you be interested?”

“I don’t know?” Harold scratched his chin. “Why do you care anyway?”

“Because I just want to hear someone else’s opinion on my dateability. In case you haven’t noticed I’m still single.”

“So am I!”

“It’s different for you, Harold. You’re single because you’ve no interest in dating. I’m single because I can’t _get_ a date.”

Harold crossed his arms. “What makes you think I’m not interested?”

“Because if you were, you’d have come out by now. If you were interested, then you’d have just found a date and you wouldn’t worry about how George would react, since you’d know he’d know you don’t see him romantically, since you’ve got a boyfriend. But since you’re not, then that means the back of your mind worries that George would always have this sneaking suspicion you like him and that’s the real reason you never found a partner.”

It took a bit for Harold to digest what Melvin said, but eventually he nodded in agreement. “I’m impressed Melvin, you actually sound like you know what you’re talking about.”

“I told you, I know psychology.”

“So,” Harold mused, “All I have to do is figure out how to tell George I don’t like him.”

“What’s this about not liking me?” While Harold and Melvin were chatting, George had managed to sneak up behind the two.

“GEORGE!” Harold squeaked. “How much of our conversation did you overhear?”

“Not much. Just the last part. Might I ask what’s going on? You’re not seriously going to break up with me and be friends with _Melvin_, are you?”

“What’s wrong with Melvin?” Harold got defensive all of a sudden.

“Uh, how ‘bout being a snitch, arrogant, berating, a snuck-up, no sense of humour…” George counted off his fingers.

“I’m right here, you know.” Melvin snapped.

“Whatever. Come on, Harold,” asked George, “_Please_ tell me the truth.”

Harold was about to response and try to dodge the question but Melvin got there first. “The truth is, that part you heard was Harold being sarcastic. We were simply discussing some things Harold wanted to confide in me.”

“Confide? Harold, what kind of thing would you rather talk with him than me?” George was a mixture of confusion and hurt.

“Simply some science questions, is all. You know, things you can’t answer.”

“Oh.” George stuck out his lip, but he realised that he couldn’t really refute that statement. Harold tried to change the subject.

“George, since you’re finished with making more copies of _Captain Underpants_, should we continue handing them out?”

“Sure. Let’s go.” George wrapped his arm around Harold’s shoulder and the two turned around. Crisis averted, Harold breathed a sigh of relief and did a thumbs up gesture behind his back to Melvin as a sign of thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Actually it isn’t – it’s named after one of the Three Stooges, but the school being named after a scientist seems more fitting.


	3. Chapter 3

“Alright, for this group project, you have to pair up with somebody you haven’t worked with before.”

A mixture of groans and panicked gasps filled the classroom as everyone scrambled to find somebody they didn’t hate. Melvin sat back and crossed his arms, expecting that he was going to be picked last. He didn’t care, of course – being a genius, he could easily work on any project Fyde handed out solo, and whoever he ended up all they needed to do was stay out of his way. Melvin would consider it a win-win for both parties involved, so he never understood why nobody actually wanted him.

This time, however, was different, as Melvin felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw Harold grinning at him. “You want to be partners?”

“Harold? What, is everyone else taken?”

“No, I just figured it must suck to always be picked last. So…”

Melvin harrumphed. “I honestly don’t give a crap. If you want to be with me, go right ahead.”

Harold pulled up a chair and sat down next to Melvin. “Thought you didn’t swing that way.” Harold smirked, only loud enough for him to hear.

“And I thought you wanted to keep it a secret.” Melvin snarked right back.

“Everyone shut up! Now, for the project you’re going to drop an egg from the roof of the school and try to shield it from breaking.”

Everyone groaned.

“Come on, the egg drop test? That’s so overdone!”

“Do schools have some kind of deal with supermarkets to try and get people to buy more eggs?”

“Can’t we just throw the eggs at people instead?”

“You paired up with Melvin?” That last one was directed at Harold, whom George had just noticed was sitting next to his least favourite person.

“Well, I can’t work with you, George. You remember what Fyde said.”

“That doesn’t mean you need to go work with Melvin!”

“_Ahem._” Melvin interrupted, “Harold, we should meet up after school today to get this dumb project done and over with.”

“Nice try Melvin, but I’m afraid Harold and I already have plans.” George folded his arms.

“Melvin’s right, George. We should just finish the project as soon as possible so we don’t have to worry about it later.”

“But, today’s the day we were planning on making a new _Captain Underpants_ comic!”

“And we can still do that,” Harold said gently, “After the project. I promise I’ll be at the treehouse right after I’m done with Melvin.”

Turning back around to listen to Fyde, Harold didn’t hear George muttering sadly to himself, “You’ve changed, Harold.”

* * *

“So Melvin, how are we going to do the egg drop challenge?”

“We don’t have to ‘do’ anything. I got some rubberising spray lying in my room somewhere; we’ll just use some on an egg and voila, project finished.” Melvin said.

“That’s convenient.” The implications of what that meant hit Harold a second later. “Hold on, if all we have to do is spray an egg, why did I have to come to your house? Why couldn’t you just bring the spray to school tomorrow?”

“Because,” Melvin retorted, “I don’t want someone to find it and just steal my brilliant invention to breeze through the project. Now help me find the spray.”

The two searched through the massive assortment of bits and pieces strewn across Melvin’s desk. Harold spotted a wooden bottle.

“Aha! Melvin, I think I’ve found it.”

Melvin turned to see what Harold was holding. “No, that’s etronybenylsine acid. It-” Unfortunately Melvin didn’t get to finish his sentence because Harold had tilted the bottle to see its contents, which resulted in most of it spilling on top of him.

“Seriously, Harold?”

“I thought it would be more gooey!”

“The correct term is viscous! You need to go wash that off, right now.”

“It’s not poisonous, is it?”

“No, it’s not poisonous. It’s useful specifically because it’s harmless to people, actually. But in case you haven’t noticed…” Melvin didn’t finish that sentence either, though this time it was because what he was going to say was quite obvious. Most of what Harold was wearing had disappeared.

“Gak! What exactly is the use of a liquid that vanishes all your clothes?” Suddenly realising he was naked, Harold covered himself with his hands.

“It doesn’t vanish your clothes, it dissolves them. As well as anything inorganic, actually. It’s a good thing it seems like none of it got on the floor…don’t touch that!”

Harold had grabbed a shirt that Melvin had tossed on the floor, only to find that it also melted to nothing in his hands. “Melvin, what do I do?”

“The acid easily washes away with water. You need to take a shower.”

Harold nodded and was about to reach for the door handle to the bathroom when Melvin grabbed him. “Did you forget what I said 10 seconds ago? Acid. Melts anything inorganic. You touch that handle, it’ll dissolve away to nothing. So let me open it.” Using his free hand, Melvin pushed the door open. “Now just wait here a moment while I take my clothes off.”

“Excuse me?!” Harold wasn’t sure he heard him correctly.

Melvin snorted. “In case you didn’t know, faucets are also inorganic. As are shower heads.” Quickly removing his bow tie, shirt, shorts, and finally boxers, Melvin stepped into the shower and gestured for Harold to join him.

“Is there really no other way than us having a shower together?”

“We are not ‘having a shower’ together; all I’ll be doing is spraying you with water. I simply don’t want to get my clothes soaked. Now unless you want to stand outside and wait for it to rain, shut up and let’s just get this over with.”

Reluctantly – and trying to keep his eyes off of Melvin – Harold too stepped into the shower, where Melvin turned on the water and started blasting Harold with it.

“Harold, move your arms.”

“What?!”

“Move your arms. I can’t get everything off thoroughly if you’re going to stand there like a statue.”

“But…but…”

Melvin gave a sigh. “Look, Harold. I get you’re embarrassed, but the more you make a big deal out of it the more it’s going to be awkward. Just take comfort in the fact that I have zero desire to see your junk, either.”

After a few more seconds, Harold slowly moved his arms away from himself and laid them by his side.

“What were you so worried about? You’re way bigger than me.”

“Melvin!” Harold immediately moved his hands back. “You said you weren’t going to say anything!”

“No, I said that I don’t care for seeing your junk.”

“Just…don’t make any comments, okay?”

Rolling his eyes, Melvin said: “Fine. I’ll keep quiet. Can we continue?”

Harold moved his arms back and allowed Melvin to wash him. True to his word, Melvin didn’t say a word the whole time, except for once when he told Harold to turn around so he could wash his back. After what felt like way too long to Harold, Melvin finally turned off the shower and said, “Okay, we’re done.”

“Wait – Melvin, I just realised I don’t have anything to change into.”

“Oh. Crud. Right.” Melvin thought for a moment. “Well, you can borrow some of my clothes.”

“Er, no thanks. That’s just wrong on principle, and regardless you have terrible fashion sense.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. If you don’t want to wear any of my clothes, then I guess you can just be naked until you get home.”

Harold pondered his choices. “Well, I guess you have a point that it’s only awkward if we make it awkward…but I’d also feel awkward if you were clothed.”

Melvin stared at Harold for moment in a _seriously?_ look, but he placed down his clothes and said, “Fine, I’ll wait until you leave to put on my clothes. All we have to do is find the spray and we’ll be done here anyway.”

And that’s how George found his best friend and his worst enemy jacking off together.


	4. Chapter 4

“I can’t believe him! All of a sudden he’s acting so unlike himself. What’s up with him lately?”

“That’s really interesting George, but aren’t we supposed to be working on the egg drop?”

“Not now, Steve. I’m thinking.” George and Steve were at their – well, it belonged to one of them anyway – treehouse, where George was currently strutting about the floor.

“I’m worried, Steve. Why does Harold suddenly want to spend his time with Melvin? It’s almost like he’s…” Realisation hit George like a truck. “Possessed! That’s it Steve! Melvin must have done something to Harold, mind controlled him or something, in his latest grand scheme to drive us apart.”

“Hasn’t Harold only spent time with Melvin for literally only the past half an hour this entire week? And he’s got a perfectly good reason; he wants to work on the egg drop like we are supposed to be doing.”

“The Harold I know would wait until the last minute to do it. Especially if he’s partnered with Melvin, who probably will just do everything anyway and tell Harold to stand by a corner and not touch anything. I need to go and confront that glasses-wearing manipulative bastard right now.” With that, George rushed out the door.

“George, wait! The group project…” Steve cried after him, but unfortunately George was long gone.

* * *

“So you’ve never done anything with George? Or anyone for that matter?”

“No! As I said, I don’t like him romantically. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean we fool around like that.”

“I honestly thought you two would be friends with benefits.” mused Melvin. So when you two stare into each other’s eyes, you were just staring platonically?”

“Platonic friends who could communicate speechlessly. We do it when we both get an idea at the same time.” Harold shook his head. “George is nice and all, but in the end he’s not my type. I’d feel super weird looking into his face as he like, jerked me off or something.”

“What about my face? You did say you think I’m decent looking appearance wise.”

“What is it with your odd questions? If I didn’t know better I’d say you wanted to try something together.”

“Harold, I’m a scientist.” Melvin gestured to his slew of inventions. “It’s my nature to be curious.”

“Such as what a handjob feels like?”

“No, but if you’re offering one I’d take you up on it.”

“I’d do it if you return the favour.”

The two stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. _Just two guys helping each other out. Nothing weird or romantic about it._

“Huh. So that’s what you meant by speechless communication.”

“Just be quiet and let’s do this.” Harold wrapped his hand around Melvin, who did the same to him. The two began stroking.

“It’s…kind of weird. Like reading an exciting novel, you’re really excited for what comes next.”

“Do you have to talk?” Harold said between strokes.

“Sorry.”

The two continued, both boys making mental notes on how the other person’s rhythm varied – Harold would usually do it as quickly as possible giving fast, quick strokes, while Melvin who liked to pace himself gave slower and more sensual ones.

“Harold, slow down a bit; you’re going to give me friction burns. Plus, I want to enjoy this a little longer.”

“How about you speed up? I can barely feel anything.”

The two adjusted their rhythms to better match their partner’s desires.

“God, this is actually really nice.”

“Shut up already.”

It was unfortunate that both of them had their eyes closed (mutual help thing, so they were each imagining someone else doing it) because they probably would have stopped when George entered the room.

“Christ, Melvin, do I just-“

“Don’t worry, I’ve got stain remover.”

With a soft cry George and Melvin climaxed – surprisingly in sync with each other – and opened their eyes to see George with a shocked expression on his face.

“I, uh,” George coughed awkwardly, “Wanted to check up on you to see when you were finished. Not that kind of finished, I mean when will you be done with Melvin, that is, not like that – on the egg drop?”

“Oh, yeah.” Harold tried to discreetly wipe his hand on himself, “We’re actually done. Guess we lost track of time.”

“I’ll…wait outside.” replied George.

The room was silent as Melvin cleaned up the mess and put on his clothes while Harold wrapped a towel around his waist before going downstairs to find George waiting.

“Why are you wearing just a towel?”

“There was an incident. I lost my clothes. Not what you’re thinking, they melted.”

The normally chatty duo remained quiet, neither really wanting to address the elephant in the room until they were in private – their treehouse. Steve was still there waiting, but one look from George sent him away. George turned to look at Harold, rubbing his temples.

“Harold. I’m not upset or anything, but you do understand this is a lot to take in.”

“George, I know what it looked like, but Melvin and I aren’t a couple.”

“You’re not?” George raised an eyebrow. “So when I saw you two being intimate just now-“

“We were not being intimate!” Harold blushed. “It was just…we wanted to know what it felt like when someone else did it, is all.”

“Okay, but why didn’t you just ask me?”

“George! How exactly is one supposed to ask that?” Harold tried his best to keep that mental image out of his head.

“I was being rhetorical. I just want to know why you went to Melvin over me.”

“Well, remember last week when you caught Melvin and me chatting? When I said I didn’t like you that was true. But I meant I didn’t like you…_romantically_.”

“Romantically?” George blinked a few times. “So, you _are_ gay? But then with Melvin…?”

“Melvin was someone I could go to to talk about it.”

“But why did you keep all of this a secret from me?” George put a hand on Harold’s shoulder. “I’m just trying to understand your thought process. I would think that if you didn’t mind Melvin knowing you wouldn’t mind me knowing.”

“Actually, Melvin knowing is quite different. He already doesn’t like me, so frankly I wouldn’t care if he turned out to be a homophobe. But you…”

“Harold, I don’t care. You’d always be my best friend, gay or not.” George smiled.

Harold smiled back. “I know you won’t care, George. But I was more concerned that you wouldn’t want to spend time together anymore in case you gave off the wrong idea that you wanted to hook up with me.”

“Oh. I guess that makes sense, in a way. So, just to be clear-“

“You’re my friend. Just. Friend.”

“Best friends, forever and ever?”

“Forever and ever.”

“And let’s hope that remains true for the rest of our lives.” George reached behind him and grabbed two glasses, handing one over to Harold. “Shall we have a toast? To bestfriendship.”

“That’s not a word.”

“I’m making it one.”

Harold shrugged. “To bestfriendship!”

The two clinked their glasses and chugged down their cokes. Unfortunately for Harold, the action jostled his towel enough that it slid down around his ankles.

“Gah!”

“I’ve seen you jerking off with another dude, Harold. This is nothing in comparison.”

“Eh, true enough.” Harold stopped trying to pick the towel back up. “I’ll just go grab a fresh set of clothes after this.”

“My dick’s bigger, though.”

“George!”


	5. Epilogue

“Have you realised that only stereotypical people wear glasses?”

“What do you mean?” Melvin took off his own pair of glasses to look at them.

“Well, think about it. Of everyone we’ve seen, most of the teachers as well as you have a pair of specs, and all of them happen to be the antagonists.”

“What about Steve and Other Sophie?” Harold pointed out.

“They’re the shy, reserved, nerdy characters who are also usually stereotyped as wearing glasses. Plus, they weren’t in the books anyway. You don’t notice a cool or outgoing person in this series that wears them. Like me.” George pointed at his face and the lack of glasses on his nose.

“I’m half tempted to get a pair of fake glasses just to throw off the trend and bug you.”

“Here, you can borrow mine.” Melvin handed his pair of glasses to Harold, who put them on.

“Melvin, you never told us these were like, Google Glass or something!” Harold looked around excitedly. “Wow, look at all of the infoboxes.”

“Really? Let me borrow them!” Harold passed the glasses over to George. “Cool!”

“Alright, give me my specs back.” Melvin huffed.

“Hey, how come when I look at you the personality doesn’t include ‘insufferable asshole’?”

“You’re such a buffoon.”

“Hold on. I’ll just add that in.” George began typing on an invisible keyboard.

“That’s not how you input information, you oversized chestnut! It’s synced to my PDA.”

“Oh, I’ll just borrow that then.” George snatched the PDA out of Melvin’s hands.

“Why are we friends?”

“Cause you both like me?” Harold wrapped his arms around the other two.

“Harold, this is kinda gay.”

“I _am_ gay. Plus, it can’t be as gay as the time we jerked off together.”

“You know, for someone who’s trying to keep it a secret, you sure don’t mind blurting all of this in public.” George said.

“Eh, everyone else is on the other side of the playground. Nobody’ll hear us.”

“You ever plan on fully coming out?”

“Maybe?” Harold pondered. “Still, I don’t see why I have to. It’s not like Melvin told the world he still sleeps with a teddy bear.”

“Hey! For the record, that teddy bear is lumbar support!” Melvin countered.

“Because you can’t find a real person to spoon with.”

“I wish I hadn’t found your stupid self-help book in the first place. I hate you two.”

“No you don’t.”

Melvin sighed. “Okay. I love to hate you two.”

“I love you too.”

“What?”

“You heard what I said.”

“Seriously, you are so gay.” said George.

“Too gay for you to want to hang out with us at the treehouse after school?”

“Nah.” was the reply. “I’m always up for that.”

“Ditto.”


End file.
